Twilight

Yes, I was curious. I actually saw the first two Twilight movies. With help from Mike Nelson and his robot friends. They do commentary for more recent movies now. Yes, I'm a bit geeky at times. I had to have them around, otherwise, I wouldn't have had an excuse.

Other than of course, the excuse to impress women. I know at least two women roughly my age who like the series, so don't accuse me of being into little girls. Also, I can impress other, more liberal girls with talking about how it degrades women, even though I read and enjoyed Allan More's V for Vendetta, which showed an even less healthy relationship. Well, maybe not. To all girls who read this blog: Would you rather have your head shaved or your body covered with bruises?

Or, of course, there was the excuse to make fun of it, which has already been done before, but I wanted to see how true all of it was. You know, kinda like a friend of mine reading The book of Mormon after it was featured on South Park. I was sure enough from reading the descriptions making fun of Twilight to not read it, because I'm a straight guy. So, I watched the movies instead.

The second one was more bearable than the first, but I don't know if that was because the riffing by Mike, Tom, and Crow was better, because I actually ordered it from netflix rather than watch it on YouTube in parts, because it was directed by the American Pie man, or the movie had less of Sparkly Eddie, whose most annoying characteristic isn't his sparkles. Because body glitter is tacky, that's what everyone makes fun of.

I'm not going to bash Edward by calling him gay for glittering like so many other guys have. That's a weak insult because pretty much every guy uses it, mostly against guys their girlfriends are obsessed with. Besides which, gay and bisexual people like Alexander the Great, Eleanor Roosevelt, Albus Dumbledore, and even Lady Gaga have accomplished things that make Edward look even paler by comparison. But enough about Lady Gaga already.

More About Sparkly Eddie:

Bella never calls him Eddie, or even Ed, as far as I can recall. Maybe she does in the book. It seems like they really aren't that close, in spite of everything she says.
A lot of my friends, male and female, absolutely hate Twilight, especially friends who read fantasy books regularly. At first I thought they were being too insistent on Vampires crumbling with sunlight (Dracula didn't originally), being totally evil (every monster deserves a sympathetic Shrek every now and then) and drinking live human blood (at least one likes chocolate-flavored cereal and I'm ok with that).

But when watching the movies, I realized that if you take out castles, coffins, capes, tuxedos, being linked to Satan, foreign accents, bats, etc... you have to replace them with something else that's worthwhile.

Sparkly Eddie fails to do that. He fails to have anything interesting. Admittedly, I'm a straight guy, so not really the target audience here. At least he should be able to play something on the piano that's better than elevator music. I didn't know girls went for elevator music.

Apparently, the other hobbies that turn girls on the most are hunting, baseball, and "protecting" girls from other, supposedly more creepy jealous guys, including injuns (sorry, werewolves). I wouldn't have guessed that combination of hobbies, except maybe for girls who go for John Wayne-types. But Eddie clearly isn't a John Wayne kinda guy. Sorry for stating the obvious. John Wayne does not sparkle or play elevator music on the piano.

The Kinda Girl who Actually likes Sparkly Eddie.

I had heard that the leading lady was a "Mary Sue"-type chick. I had assumed that it meant she was flawless. So, I was surprised to find out that she had issues.

At least in the movies, she comes across as a girl with low self-esteem who is obsessed with death when she isn't obsessed with undead guys. I have to give the movies credit for showing her true colors, especially in the scene in which she goes off with a middle-aged biker dude who says "I'll be anyone you want me to be," and giving her a female sidekick in the said scene who points out how wrong this is. Possibly the people who made these movies are honestly trying to send ironic messages without making them openly (I had Mike Nelson for that, but it would have come accross even without him).

Abstinance:

You'll note that I haven't said anything about abstinance allegories. That's because I have low standards for that kind of thing. Back when I went to high school in Tennessee, they gave us brochures telling us how sex before marriage would always lead to some kind of traumatic stress the next day, even if it didn't lead to any stds. They also claimed that HIV goes right through the pores in condoms, that mutual masterubation is dangerous somehow, etc. and they censored any information on contraceptives.

From what I've read (correct me if I'm wrong) the Twilight series ends with Bella spitting blood, her spine being ripped open by her lawful husband's teeth, and her enjoying it somehow, because she's married, tripping on being a vampire and seeing fancy colors, and it's all okay. Stephanie Meyer might be a genius of using irony to make exactly the opposite point from the one she was supposed to make.

Race Issues:
Again, the irony here is pretty strong, as Bella's willing to cross the living-dead barrier, but not the race one. The disgustingly pale white guy wins, probably for being white and not an injun (sorry, werewolf). My only hope is that all of the Team Jacob girls actually make something out of their newly found love of Native Americans.